![]() She desperately wanted to help me as I fell into this world of negative thoughts. All I could think about were negative ideas about my future, and there didn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.ĭuring this time, my girlfriend watched the documentary “The Secret”, and it was all about positive thinking and getting rid of any and all negative aspects in your life. I became obsessed with the future, worrying constantly that I might not get a job, might not make enough to pay my bills, might work for a terrible boss or not have the freedom I once had. It seemed as if my brain wanted to remind me constantly that I was struggling and that the future was unforeseeable and scary. I found myself living in my head more often, listening to the endless banter of my brain letting me know my problems in chronological order. As soon as I hit some hard times in my life and didn’t know how I was going to pay bills my inner thoughts seized more control. It wasn’t until I lost my job that my inner thoughts got louder. I was young, I owned a home, had a great job, had friends, and was active in school and in tons of hobbies. Luckily, being young and successful, my inner monologue couldn’t really affect me very much. My inner thoughts were turning against me and I had no idea why I would do this to myself. There I was thinking I had a good day but as I dwelled on it, my brain was making me out to be this terrible person that says all the wrong things. I would then start to re-asses the entire day as if it wasn’t what I originally thought it was. I would think of every conversation I had thought-out during the day, and then my brain would say things like “what you said to that person was really stupid” or “you made an ass out of yourself with that terrible joke”. I found myself in the shower thinking over the actions of the day, analyzing everything I said in a negative way. ![]() My thoughts started to drudge up the past as well. If I had some deadline in the future, I found myself worrying about it constantly, and endlessly stressing over something that I might not even have control over at that present moment. Now that my thoughts were negative, I wondered why I would want to make myself so miserable with these thoughts. I always felt like I was talking to myself in my head all this time. Little did I know that the relationship I had with my thoughts would change so dramatically.Īs I grew older and as the stresses of life started to pile up, I found myself arguing with my inner thoughts, more often than I had found comfort in them. ![]() Sometimes I would use my imagination and dream up fun scenarios or think about what it would be like to be an astronaut floating through space. When I was in school, the conversations in my head were a distraction but only a distraction, they didn’t really affect my life in any great way but was more or less a place to cure boredom in an era of no cell phones. However, the person on the other end has lots to say (even things that I myself didn’t even think of thinking). When I sit inside my head, it’s like I am having a conversation with myself. I’ve always thought I had some special power that I was able to think inside my head with such clarity, that I may be able to do it better than others. This was mostly when I was bored sitting on my bus ride to school, sitting in class, or about to fall asleep. During the entirety of my life, I’ve always had this ability to fall away into my thoughts. ![]()
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